During my travel to see my deceased son in LA. There was a voice constantly repeating in my head, “I will not let this be the end of Yajush”. I will make my connection deeper with him. I was not able to see him for few days after my arrival, until the day of final services. There was a major discomfort inside me as I needed to talk to him desperately. In between receiving condolences and meeting people, I was longing for solitude to just be with Yajush in my thoughts. I could not look straight into the eyes of my daughter Rose. Poor child had lost her best friend, her brother. Vibhu looked so lost and powerless. Guy who could go to any extent to create magic for his family, had to surrender to the reality and was powerless. If I could take their pain away. I would do that in a heart beat but I was not given an option. We all had to bear our share of pain. The day of services, when we were able to meet him. I rushed to see him first, as I had so much to say before saying final good bye. When I saw him I was shattered, My Yajush was not there. No, it didn’t seem like he was sleeping. This was not my YAJUSH.MY YAJUSH WAS THE BEST HUMAN IN THE WORLD, HE WOULD NOT JUST LAY THERE WHILE ALL OF US WERE MISERABLE. He had already exited the body he resided in. The body was cold. It was my first experience to see someone without a soul. There was no point talking to him. O.. where was I when he took his last breath. I am a mother. I was supposed to feel it. After all, I carried him inside me for nine months. How could I had no idea.. At this moment I hear another voice inside me. Sapna it was not about you. He needed his space to make a final exit and that would have been impossible with your knowing. OK, I accept this but I will not stop to make connection with him, I say to myself. I know I am a human and connection will not be possible with my five sensory personality. If I use my intellect or my five senses, reaching you will be impossible. Connection has to be at soul level and I didn’t know how to function at soul level. I have a soul with in my body and I rarely made an effort to listen to my soul. I n the business of the daily routine of life. I rarely had time or you can say I barely made an effort. I raised Yajush and Rose as a mere act of responsibility. Every relaxed moment was laced with fear of spoiling kids so each of those moment was ruined by a lecture or preaching in the end. There were only few moments which can be counted on fingers when we really connected on soul levels. Those were the times that taught me, I had to make major shift in my awareness and attitude. I am glad you were the ones who had the courage to be honest with me Yajush and Rose. I started making changes. It was hard work for my controlling, egoistic personality. But I promise, I tried. A person can only change so much in a life time. So many flaws I have and so much time it takes to get rid of one and I am full of flaws. I guess I don’t have time to waste as urge to see you is huge. I commit to function at soul level and rest of the commitments can wait. After few days of soul searching and meditation I have felt the presence of God. No, you don’t have to do this alone. I am by your side and I will guide you throughout, he says and comforts me. I have started living in this magical world and don’t want to get out of this. Sometimes I wonder if I am living an illusion or rest of the world is living in an illusion.
Sapna Rana
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